|My Nick Cage Wine Glass|
He said - one day I realized that the point of acting was ... not to act.
He was wearing leather pants.
Guess what you're doing this weekend? Well, if you're awesome, and even remotely masochistic, you'll be watching the TEN Nicolas Cage Movies currently streaming on Netflix.
I have ranked them here, for your convenience, so that you can watch them in order from the least awesome, to the most awesome.
PREPARE YOURSELF for the Cage...
This is the worst Nick Cage movie of this bunch, and possibly among the two or three worst Nick Cage movies ever. This movie doesn't even make sense. It must have come from a pitch meeting that started out with "Hey, those Lord of the Rings movies are the bee's knees! Kids love movies with swords and cloaks in them!" and ended with "I heard Nick Cage just lost 25 lawsuits and needs to make some cash fast. I'll call him."
There is a brilliant podcast called "How Did This Get Made?" that goes through this movie and points out the really best moments of nonsense. You should watch this movie and listen to the podcast here: http://www.earwolf.com/episode/season-of-the-witch/ And, actually, even if you haven't seen the movie, the podcast is still hilarious, and doesn't ruin anything... because there really isn't much to ruin. Oh! This movie also features Ron Perlman. Why aren't you watching it?? It's a horrible train wreck!
Sigh. Oh, Nick. Don't worry. They'll just spray paint your hair and no-one will notice.
This movie is not terrible, it is reasonably acceptable, and even all the Native Americans are played by actual Native Americans! Nick gets plenty of opportunities to overact, and scream, and have crazy eyes. But, really... it's kind of boring and poorly made. It's about World War II, but it feels like it takes place in the 80s (especially with Christian Slater sneaking around in there), and it was made in 2002. Not a good sign. Especially when Saving Private Ryan came out FOUR years earlier, and looks one billion times better. Get your shit together, John Woo!
8: Seeking Justice (2011)
This movie tries really hard. It's one of those movies about some dude whose wife is attacked, and he's out for revenge! It was probably written for Mel Gibson in the 90s, but eventually trickled down to Nick. It's also one of those movies in which January Jones tries to act. Painful. This woman... seriously. It's bad. She always looks like she's thinking about something dumb. She's so hard for me to watch. But, it has some Guy Pearce stuff... eh... it's not so bad. It has some stuff going on. The plot takes one or two creative turns, but if you have had more than two glasses of wine, you'll get bored and change the channel, because you've seen almost this exact movie about 20 times before. They should have added something to this movie... like humor, or a flame-engulfed motorcycle.
Virtually indistinguishable from Seeking Justice, Stolen also features Nick Cage getting revenge over something that happened with a woman (this time his daughter) and has lots of shots of him running! I only rank this movie slightly higher than its twin because this time... Nick is a THEIF! And guess what? He's the best... but he gave it up... and now he has to go back for ONE MORE JOB. SUSPENSE! Aren't we bored with this formula yet? I am. YAWN. But still. The thievery stuff is pretty cool, and you get to see a super grungy-looking Josh Lucas, which is fun, so Stolen beats Seeking Justice by a hair!
Another throw-away movie! This movie is a home-invasion thriller, co-starring Nicole Kidman. It has some borderline rapey parts, but really, it's actually pretty good. Pacing is nice. Story is simple, but solid. Has an ok, but kind of predictable twist. It's fine. You should watch it so you can say you saw it. It even has some genuine tension in it, unlike the two previous movies which are wholly without authentic drama. Nicole Kidman is always great, and it was somewhat of a breakout role for Liana Liberato, who plays the pre-teen daughter.
Ok, this movie totally sucks, big time. But I'm ranking it this high because:
(A) Michael Shannon. Hell Yeah.
And (B) Mustache.
PS: What happened to Oliver Stone's awesome stick-it-to-the-man attitude? So, so sad.
4. Bringing out the Dead (1999)
Oh, come on. You've seen Face Off. This movie is one that if it is EVER playing on TV, I'll stop and watch it through to the end. When it was first coming out, I remember seeing one of those old HBO featurettes about "The Making of..." Nick and John Travolta both waxed poetic about the acting challenge of not doing an "impersonation" of each other... but trying to act like the person was really inhabiting the others' body.
Well... I hate to break it to both of them, but they pretty much failed. What they did accomplish, however, was making one of the most enjoyably unintentionally funny action movies of the 90s. Well done, sirs. Plus, you get to learn a lot of totally real, completely believable science. Bonus!
This movie is pure perfection. Really, I think that Raising Arizona and Adaptation are probably equally amazing, but I ranked Raising Arizona slightly higher because I really think that every single second in this movie is perfect. There is not one frame that isn't memorable. I've probably seen this movie 100 times, and I still find it to be genuinely hilarious. Plus, I feel like it was a foreshadowing of Nick's bizarre hair-of-the-future. And Holly Hunter has NEVER been better. Genius performances. Amazing script. Nick really anchors the whole movie. Just fantastic. And, the opening sequence should be taught (and probably is taught) in film classes of all kinds as an example of both innovative montage and creative way of getting a LOT of information out without resorting to cliches and boring the audience to death. Love it. Love everything about it. Want to watch it right now.
So, there you have it, folks! A weekend worth of Nick Cage movie magic. I should mention, also, that while Adaptation and Raising Arizona are two of my three favorite Nick Cage performances, my true favorite might actually be Kick Ass. It was streaming on Netflix for a long time, but it doesn't appear to be right now. Sad times! You should go find it, though. You can probably rent it for cheap on Amazon streaming.